Eurovision Hound

Thursday 8th May
Purley Arms

Five Hounds converged on the Purley Arms for this week's sideshow of a shambles of an enigma wrapped in a horribly confused metaphor - they came from all directions, via most of the available methods of transport, and before you knew it the Hound was quorate. 

We supped, we 'caught-up' and we discussed likely topical question matters which we'd inevitably not get quizzed upon.  Some present thought we'd be quizzed on the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest evening - some others thought that would be next week when it had finished and at least one of us *ahem* hoped we'd never get quizzed on the ludicrous, damn thing at all...  Ever.

No great surprise then when our quiz-mistress collected our entry fees and in return dished out a sheet containing pictures of ten previous UK Eurovision acts.  Oh happy day.  Oh happy, HAPPY, day...

At this point I'm going to temporarily shift focus and fly off on a bit of a rantgent (a word which, by the way, easily qualifies for this Millennium's Worst Portmanteau competition - a globally televised event scheduled to be hosted in Germany on New Year's Eve 2999 after they won the previous one in 1999 with their entry, 'Kofferwort', itself being both a portmanteau and an synonym for portmanteau.  Having by that stage explored the furthest flung regions of space, the event will involve campery on truly inter-galactic level with entries from every known speck of the Universe and potentially beyond.  For UK viewers it will, of course, be voiced by the genetically engineered descendant of the DNAs from Wogan and Norton with 10% of Dimbleby added late in the maturation process to lend some gravity to proceedings.)  Anyway, back to my 'rantgent'...

(If at this stage you're still with me then carry on - if you're not then probably best you skip down a few paragraphs...)

The Eurovision Song Contest.  The Eurovision flipping Song Contest.  Really?  What the hell is it actually all about?  Putting aside around 98% of its nonsense and, for the sake of simplicity and minimising controversy, concentrating merely on the UK's participation - why do we still bother with this appalling charade?  Ever since the UK threw in its lot with America, circa Desert Storm 20+ years ago, it has increasingly become the all-singing, all-dancing, political pariah of camp entertainment.  To such an extent that since we Yanked up and piled into Afghanistan with our Septic cousins late in 2001 we have actually finished last (out of 25 or 26 countries) on three occasions, in the bottom five on a further five occasions and only have one top ten placing - and this from a country that came in the top two in a somewhat staggering (by contrast) 50% of the first 40 competitions - if you don't believe me, Wiki is your friend...

The European country with an arguably greater contribution to global popular culture over the last 50 years than any other is now reduced to being annually, ritually, and absolutely humiliated once a year as the collective might of sovereign nations, who didn't even exist when Bucks Fizz cheekily whipped off their skirts and romped away with the prize, gang up and *urgggghhhhhhhh...*

*takes a time out to enjoy some bearded Romanian freak pretending to play a circular 'grand' piano...  recovers composure*

... and when you add in a scoring system that over the years has gone from the straightforward to the complicated to the downright complex and now this year's which apparently contains 50% of marks which have already been allocated by some random panel of judges based on rehearsals?!  Seriously, you couldn't make this utter piffle up...

*another time-out to allow the Polish performance to 'wash' over me...*

Before tonight's 'feast', the last one I sat through, to any great extent, sticks in my mind for two specific examples of the 'wonder' of Eurovision.  It was 2008.  First and foremost you, dear reader, should note that that was one of several of the recent years in which the UK has come ab.so.lute.ly last in the entire competition.  Secondly, it featured a French entry (as it happens sung by the man responsible for one of my all-time favourite songs) which started with the singer hap-hazardly driving a golf buggy onto the stage and then wandering around with a helium balloon tucked underneath his arm from which he would slurp and then sing in a 'comedy' voice whilst backed by five 'look-a-likey' Dorises replete with sunglasses and full beards...  And it was ultimately won by THE single campest thing I have ever seen in Eurovision when an already emotionally overwrought male singer was joined on a tiny ice-rink by an equally intense violinist and, of course, a male figure skater...  They won.  I will post YouTube links below for those brave/daft/curious/insane enough to verify that I'm not making this up.   

*another time out for a skinny, bearded, Austrian Beyonce impersonator to deliver a rightly rejected Bond theme*

OK, enough of the rantgent - back to the quiz...

Truth of the matter is that not only did we win it, we won it with a huge, HUGE, score of 152.  We have scored 30 less than that in the past and won so either our genius is ever expanding or this was not too difficult a quiz.  (Quick clue - it's the latter...)

The picture round, as above, was UK Eurovision acts - we got 8/10.  Only fell foul of a couple in the Current Affairs round (including not knowing that an American man has been denied the right to marry his porn-filled MacBook...).  Pretty much aced round three (themed on 'White').  Got the connection in the connections round (England Cricket Captains) along with eight of the Captain's names.  Aced the three bonus questions and the 'Top Ten' round (highest Eurovision winning countries).  We played safe in the Jeopardy round but were confident in the five or six we did submit.  And not only did we ace the music round but we also won the chocolates... (What year did Tesco open its first UK store? ***)

*time out for Russian twin ladies who are bound together at the ponytail and weilding large, suspicious looking, lengths of perspex...*

So, there you have it.

 
I started this report at the beginning of the Eurovision broadcast.  The 16th country is now singing - only ten more to go and then four and a half hours of voting.  Still, at least that Graham Norton fellow is terribly amusing eh...


*  France 2008 Eurovision - Sebastiene Tellier
** Russian Eurovision 2008 winner - MASSIVE campery - made all the more extraordinary given Russia's recently strident anti-homosexual 'stance'... 
*** 1929 (we were closest having said 1921)


** edit **
'Interesting' to note that the UK swerved the 2005, '50 Years of Eurovision Celebration' which basically comprised a vote-off of the 'best' Eurovision winners of all time - Cliff Richard was booted out at the semi-final stage and the Brotherhood of Man ended up coming last of the five that made it through to the eventual vote which us Britishers were rightly denied access to...

50 Years Of Eurovision - guess what, Abba wins...

x


**edit 2 **

An Austrian Beyoncé impersonator spotted earlier...